Kai had surgery (we think)

Well we were informed that Kai was going in for lip repair surgery- the day that we received the email!  He had been turned down by Operation Smile and Smile Train due to “lung problems” and they found a local surgeon in Beijing who agreed to perform the surgery.

I am thankful that there are surgeons that are willing to repair many different “birth defects” for our kiddos.  I am thankful to all of the people that have looked at my kiddo.  I am just nervous!  I hate being this far away while he is having the surgery and not having any input in the process.  I hate the fact that I have the burden of knowledge by the very nature of my profession (ER nurse).  We were completely willing to have the surgery done when he got home.  I am all for the funds going to a child that has not been adopted yet.

We asked for an update from CCAI on Friday and we were told that they wouldn’t know anything for probably a month and that they would let us know as soon as they know something.  This is such a frustrating process!  That means that we should get an update right before we leave for China.  Surprise- here’s your baby and, oh by the way, this is what he looks like now.

I can’t wait to go to go to China and have him in my arms and cut out the middle man in this process!

Official Letter of Acceptance

Sorry that I have been a neglectful blogger, but I have to be honest- things are crazy around here!  Not only am I pregnant x 2 (one just happens to be in China) but I work full time and I have a husband that works CRAZY hours.  Now that I am starting to get energy back……I will try to post better updates.

SO…. on Ray’s 38th birthday we received our official Letter of Acceptance (LOA) from China!  We are having the best birthdays this year!  Our letter of intent went in on my birthday and the LOA came on Ray’s birthday!  This is a huge milestone in the long process known as international adoption.

The next step is LOA #2 which is the acknowledgment that the governments have received all of the immigration paperwork and that the US Consulate in Guangzhou is ready for us to come pick Kai up!  The timeline has been running approx one month after the LOA is received by China.  This gives us about another 2 weeks before LOA #2. 

From there we wait for our Travel Approval (TA).  This is our invitation from China to come and pick Kai up!  Typically travel happens 2 weeks after TA arrives. 

Once TA arrives the last official step before we can buy plane tickets is the Consulate Appointment (CA).  That usually arrives a couple days after TA and once it is in place….we can buy our tickets to China!

If that sounds like a lot- just be glad you caught on at this point.  One day I will have to recap all of the steps and it really can make a head spin!  Just be glad that you got to read my rants instead of having to live this crazy madness.  Although I have to admit that I never really looked at the whole picture at once.  I had to take the whole thing in little chunks.  It has been all about my check lists and having ones that I could complete.  One baby step at a time.

With all of the baby steps here we are!  We are so close to coming to get you Kai and I can’t wait!  Mommy and Daddy are coming!!!!!!!!!

My Week

This week has been full of ups and downs.  The beginning of the week I was involved with a Pediatric Advanced Life Support class (PALS) for my job.  While I was there I had the wonderful opportunity to meet a lady named Toye (for my family this is even more ironic because that is my maiden name).  She is also adopting from China and has a Logged in Date (LID) of March 2006. (http://www.madisonryleejourney.blogspot.com/)  This means that she will be receiving her match VERY soon.  The last round of placements for our agency were through the LID of March 8th.  I really think that she will be in the next round of matches!  How exciting!

I actually didn’t even get to meet her until the second day of the class.  We both had so much to talk about once we were introduced that I wish that we had met sooner.  No big deal though- she works in the same hospital as I do, and we have swapped info now.  I have also asked Peggy from the Freshwater ladies and she has given me the okay to invite her to the get togethers on Tuesday night.  I made a new friend this week!

Paperwork went to the Houston Consulate this week.  It is not the full bunch that will eventually clear this consulate but it feels like I am getting SOMETHING done.  Positive side- our home study is THIS coming Wednesday!

The down part of the week was another wake up call for me in this crazy process.  I keep forgetting that I really can’t do anything until this magic birthday coming up.  In Chinese adoption the magic birthday is 30.  I guess I should be dreading this number as I know some of my friends have, but for me it is quite the opposite.  Until I am 30 we can not send in a Letter of Intent or LOI.  I learned this hard fact this week.

I was checking up on my Yahoo discussion group when someone posted that there was a new profile on the waiting child website.  Since CCAI is able to match most of the profiles that they receive, most of the children will NEVER make it to this page.  I decided that I would go take a peek for fun.  I was hit like a ton of bricks when I gazed on her beautiful little face.  HOW in the world did THIS baby make it to the website?

I have looked at hundreds of profiles on some shared list sites and NEVER have I had such a strong feeling over a child and the short profile listed.  The medical needs were not ones that my husband and I had checked on our profile, but the more that we looked at her adorable photo the more my heart ached for her.  My husband (who is taking longer to educate on some of the medical needs) even said things like “she is a girl- she can grow her hair longer to cover her partially formed ear”.  “Well she is already getting treatment for her club feet.”  “I know plenty of people with partial hearing loss that have no problems.”  HOW DID SHE MAKE IT TO THIS LIST? 

My husband soon said to email CCAI to get more info, so I did just that.  I even woke up the next morning and called the waiting child contacts at CCAI to see how this worked since I had never asked for more info on a child.  I was told that since they have gone through all 250 + profiles to find a match and had been unsuccessful with finding the right fit- now it was based on first come= first to view the full profile.  I was told that there had been a fair amount of interest shown for this young lady and that the list was getting longer all morning.

The next part of the conversation was the hardest for me.  I asked if it would be a problem that we were having home study issues.  “oh no- not a problem.”  Will it be a problem that my birthday isn’t until June 22?  “Let me find out.”

When Sarah got back on the phone the first words out of her mouth were, “well I have bad news.”  That is never a great opener.  Since we are not ready to send in a LOI, we have to be moved to the bottom of the list to view her full profile.  SO- basically, because I am not yet 30- too bad so sad.  She is ready to be adopted.  She is ready for a family that can submit a LOI.  Right now we don’t meet those qualifications. 

I just need to stay away from the profiles until June

On the positive side (because there has to be one) it did open up dialog between my husband and myself.  We have now added club foot and partial hearing loss to our check list.  With this heart break it has opened our eyes to more things that we feel we can handle.  Somewhere out there is OUR little one.  We still need to make ourselves ready for him/her.

The Freshwater Group

So I told you guys about my great day I had recently with meeting a new friend that shares a love for beautiful babies from China.  Well last night I got to go to my first gathering of the “Freshwater” girls. (I will have to find out where the name came from)  What an amazing group of women!!!!!!  I was almost overwhelmed with all of the support, instant friendship, and LOTS of advice.

I did NOT feel like an outsider even for a second.  The ladies took turns introducing themselves to me and gave me a chance to talk about my situation and experiences so far.  I was told repeatedly that I was a welcome member of the group, shown beautiful family photos (you know the ones that are on your phones and in your wallets), and encouraged to consider adding some “identified medical needs” to the list I already have.  Each mom was an advocate for the special needs of her child.  I tell you what- I am almost ready for a baby that is deaf with skin problems, cardiac problems, cleft lip and palate, and an imperforate anus. (maybe I should take it slow though and stick to what I have for now ;-)

I did learn a lot about the differences in how my adoption agency (CCAI) and how the majority of the ladies agency (Dillon International) does child matches and referral's.  The shared list was a big hot topic.  I knew that I was seriously lacking in experience and knowledge with some of the questions that they asked me, but it was a good educational experience- even in just figuring out what I don’t know and what I need to research further. 

I also figured out last night that the thing that is going to keep me from an earlier child match will be myself.  ALL of the other women there last night have bio kids.  They had the ability to have little ones right from the start- so to them- getting a little bit older child is no big deal (less time in diapers).  I want the experience with a little one.  I may only wait for the little one once, so I want it to be the first experience and not when there is another kiddo tugging on my leg wanting attention.  I want to be able to see SOME of the firsts even though I will still miss some of the true firsts.

I guess one of the biggest things that I learned last night is that I am my own worst enemy in the fight with the calendar and this ache in my heart.  I hope that I have the strength to endure this process and come out on the other side what I expect to see.

Above all that happened last night was the most amazing feeling of belonging.  I fit in with these women- regardless of personality and style.  I felt like I was welcome and an active part of the gathering.  Thank you for being more of a support to me than I am sure any of you realized!  

My Hopes For Our Future Child- Becoming Team Harkness

Fathers, like mothers, are not born. Men grow into fathers and fathering is a very important stage in their development.  (David Gottesman)

Very recently my husband and I celebrated our seven year wedding anniversary.  Over the last seven years we have had our fair share of hardships and triumphs.  The joys of college graduation, nieces and nephews being born, and building our first home together.  The heartache of learning that we can not have our own biological children.  Through all of these ups and downs we have become much stronger as a team.

We have had the joys of living with our “practice babies” for six years.  We have been through surgery and ICU’s, late night ER visits, and episodes of cyanosis.  All this with just the littlest of our two Chihuahuas due to her collapsing trachea with subsequent repair. We made a pact when we decided to bring Belle into our home.  If we made it five years and Belle was still alive- then we were ready to try for a “real” baby.  Well needless to say- Belle is still in fact alive.  We even took on a sister for Belle, Coco.  Coco came with her own set of special needs.  She was a rescue dog.  She had been rescued from  a puppy mill.  She had been in a cage so long she only walked in circles when she came to live with us.  She still is unable to jump- she just never learned how.

I give you all this back story to tell you that we have two “special needs” babies already (who are both alive and well).  We started to consider adoption long before we found out we couldn’t have our own bio kids.  We did not consider kiddos with special needs in this original conversation, but when we started the actual paperwork process it was a natural progression in our decision.  We decided to agree on four major “identified medical needs” in the waiting child program- cleft lip and palate, cataracts, minor cardiac conditions, and hypospadias.  I was much more comfortable with a child with medical needs due to the fact that I am an ER nurse.  Ray took a little bit longer but not much more.

The other day my husband did one of his usual thoughtful acts.  He packed my lunch while I was getting ready for work.  He told me that he enjoys packing my lunch because it will get him in the practice for when he packs our child’s lunch.  Ray’s father packed his lunch for him regularly and would even place notes in his lunch box.  I don’t get notes in my lunch but I do get chocolates and other surprises occasionally.  When my husband came to let me know that my lunch was packed as usual, I told him that my wish was that our little girl would grow up and marry someone just like her daddy!

That is my greatest wish.  If we have a little girl- I wish that she will marry a man just her daddy!  If we have a little boy- I hope that he will become a man just like his daddy!  Every day Ray shows me the type of man he is by his actions and how he treats me.  My coworkers and friends are tired of hearing about all of the wonderful things that Ray does on a regular basis.  “I know, I know- you love you some Ray” is a common phrase I hear.

As we wait for our xiao hai (little one) to add to Team Harkness, I can’t wait to see how Ray grows in his role as father in this next very important stage of our family development!  I know that he will rock whether our child has “identified medical needs” or is “healthy”.

Thank you for being you Ray!